You're Insulting Me?

This week went by so quickly.

Since I got my old position back at work, I now work Monday through Friday and have the weekends off. It's good, but during the week I have almost no energy to do anything but work and sleep. I've also been fighting off a cold this past week, thanks to Sexy Black Man Who Shall Remain Nameless sticking his tongue down my throat and infecting it with his germs. He owes me big time.

Anyway, since I have a semi-hectic work schedule, I can't run errands like I used to be able to during the week. I had a $50 pair of Crocs I'd been meaning to return, but hadn't gotten the chance to. My brother said he was going to the mall, so I asked if he could return them for me. He said it would be no problem.

After I came home from work last night and settled down, I asked my mother (since my brother was asleep) where my $50 was. Her response? "I lent it to your brother." I stood there speechless, literally speechless. It was my money. It wasn't her money to lend. The way she said it bothered me, too, like she didn't even understand what was so bad about it. After a minute or two, I finally found the words to tell her that I really needed the money for bills (which happen to be her bills I have to pay, ironically enough). So, even more surprising than her original response, my mother says she will pay me back $20 next week, but that's all she owes me. When I asked her where the other money went, she said since she bought me some vitamins from Walmart that it's only fair that she deducts the amount. Gummy Princess vitamins from Walmart do not cost $30, AND I had picked up some things for her from Walmart a few days prior and didn't ask her for the money. I was enraged. I had to walk away or I would have blown up.

What's even worse is that my mother was offended by the way I handled the situation, and took it out on me the rest of the night, flinging insults at every opportunity. Normally I am good at ignoring her, but the combination of me being physically sick and exhausted from working made me extra sensitive, and her comments were genuinely hurting me. It's not easy to ignore comments from your own family. People tell me "Oh just ignore it" but you can't. You grow up being told to listen to your parents no matter what. Why stop now?  I can recall every insult my mother has ever told me: ugly, fat, stupid, bitch, worthless, asshole, daughter of the Devil, failure and even a whore several times, which seems to hurt me the most out of all of the insults.

I don't think I'll ever be strong enough to ignore everything completely. No matter what happens, I always seem to hear her voice in my head, calling me a whore, whenever I do anything remotely sexual. It's ruining my life.