Oh, what a month...

I finally have time to update this thing. Lately I've been lucky to have a day off from work, and just haven't had the energy to do much of anything.  I promise I am going to try to be better at this. I should be getting weekends off from work starting next week so my life will be a little easier and a little less hectic (at least for a few months).

Most of my life this past month has been the same shit as usual, except that I fell in love...or at least I think it's love.  It's a feeling I've never felt before, not even with my ex-boyfriend.  It started out as just friends with similar interests (and we also happen to work together, which can be a big issue in the future).  A few weeks ago, I started to realize that I liked him as more than just a friend.  Being my shy self, I didn't tell him anything about the way I was feeling. He continued to play around and talk to me every day until one day I just told him I couldn't talk to him anymore. When he asked why, I said "I like you. I really, really like you." Then I hauled ass and ran away before he could even respond.

To my surprise, he didn't stop talking to me. He still tried to talk to me, and I tried to ignore him. I was confused, and more worried than anything else that he didn't feel the same way about me. I found out that he already had a girlfriend, which he did admit to me a few days after I revealed my feelings for him. I told him I knew already, but that I would just need some time to get over him (though I knew I wouldn't be able to just "get over him").

A couple of days later, while at work, he asked me to bring some food to his office.  I didn't think anything of it. As soon as I walked in, he took the food, locked the door, and started to kiss me. I'm surprised I didn't shit my pants at that moment. I didn't know what to do.  All I could say was "I thought you have a girlfriend" and he responded "It doesn't matter." I couldn't deny him at that point, he was giving me what I had wanted all this time. We did everything that could possibly get done in 10 minutes time. Then I went back to work like nothing happened.

Since that day, I keep going back and forth in my mind. I really like this guy, possibly love him, but he's taken by someone else. It obviously doesn't matter to him, but in my heart I feel like I am in the wrong because I know that he's with someone and I'm messing around with him anyway.  I cried for weeks when I found out my now ex-boyfriend was cheating on me. Now I'm a hypocrite because in this situation I'm not the one being cheated on, I'm the one being cheated with. I still don't know what to do. My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me another.