I'm just lost.
I can't even blog about it because everything is so jumbled in my head. I want to erase the last 9 months of my life and start over.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
So I spent most of tonight in the bathroom crying and throwing up. I've been feeling good lately and the speed bump today will probably fuck that up for me for quite a while.
If I didn't mention it previously, I've been on vacation from work this week. It's nice. I haven't had vacation in over a year, and I worked so hard the last two months that I needed the relaxation time. I decided to pamper myself this past week with some shopping, a hair cut and color, and getting my nails done (which I haven't done in years). I was feeling so good about myself...until tonight.
I came to the kitchen to get a drink and noticed my mother doing her nails...the same way I got them done. Before you assume I am crazy, my mother has never gotten her nails done or even painted them for as long as I can remember. She was also about to color her hair. I have no doubt that she was doing it on purpose. I immediately had to go to the bathroom. I started crying so much, I couldn't breathe. I was throwing up. I had a million things running through my head. Flashbacks of things in the past were starting to come back to my conscious. At that moment, I wanted to put my head through a wall. To make things worse, no one can really understand the emotions and feelings that overtake me, because no one I know has been through what I have.
This isn't the first time this has happened. Quite a few times, my mother has taken my clothes and will start wearing them for no reason. I never take them back. It sickens me when I see her in them. It makes me want to burn all of my clothes. It makes me want to burn everything.
No one understands how badly I try to differentiate myself from my mother. As I learned in my brief stint in group therapy, one of the hardest things to do is find my own identity separate from my mother. When I look in the mirror, I see my mother. It disgusts me. It's part of the reason I physically destroy myself. I try to destroy the parts that remind me of her. To see her in my clothes, and doing her nails and hair the exact same way I do, brings back those thoughts that I am her, and she is me. I don't want to be anything like her. My immediate response is to destroy it. I want to rip my nails out. I want to rip my hair out. I want someone to tell me I'm not her.
If I didn't mention it previously, I've been on vacation from work this week. It's nice. I haven't had vacation in over a year, and I worked so hard the last two months that I needed the relaxation time. I decided to pamper myself this past week with some shopping, a hair cut and color, and getting my nails done (which I haven't done in years). I was feeling so good about myself...until tonight.
I came to the kitchen to get a drink and noticed my mother doing her nails...the same way I got them done. Before you assume I am crazy, my mother has never gotten her nails done or even painted them for as long as I can remember. She was also about to color her hair. I have no doubt that she was doing it on purpose. I immediately had to go to the bathroom. I started crying so much, I couldn't breathe. I was throwing up. I had a million things running through my head. Flashbacks of things in the past were starting to come back to my conscious. At that moment, I wanted to put my head through a wall. To make things worse, no one can really understand the emotions and feelings that overtake me, because no one I know has been through what I have.
This isn't the first time this has happened. Quite a few times, my mother has taken my clothes and will start wearing them for no reason. I never take them back. It sickens me when I see her in them. It makes me want to burn all of my clothes. It makes me want to burn everything.
No one understands how badly I try to differentiate myself from my mother. As I learned in my brief stint in group therapy, one of the hardest things to do is find my own identity separate from my mother. When I look in the mirror, I see my mother. It disgusts me. It's part of the reason I physically destroy myself. I try to destroy the parts that remind me of her. To see her in my clothes, and doing her nails and hair the exact same way I do, brings back those thoughts that I am her, and she is me. I don't want to be anything like her. My immediate response is to destroy it. I want to rip my nails out. I want to rip my hair out. I want someone to tell me I'm not her.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Late Blooming Rebellion
You know how they say teenagers have a rebellious stage? I think I'm going through mine now, at the age of 24.
During the past few weeks, I have told my mother off numerous times. It felt great afterward. I had no regrets about it, either. Lately I have just been saying exactly what's on my mind. No more holding it in, and no more hiding my feelings. When someone is interrupting my TV show, I tell them to shut the fuck up. When someone is making fun of me, I tell them to get the fuck over themselves. I think I may continue this trend for the rest of my life. I love it.
On another rebellious note, I'm getting a tattoo. I haven't gotten it yet, as I am still tweaking the design a little. I am getting a tattoo of a phoenix on my upper back, with the Latin phrase "Luctor et emergo" underneath, which means "I struggle and emerge." I think it is quite fitting and meaningful to me personally. I want to overcome everything. This will remind me of that goal.
Then, there are rebellious acts which I am, somewhat, ashamed of. I have been having unprotected sex with a guy (and yes, he has a girlfriend). I have fallen in love with him, but I doubt the feeling is mutual. I don't even know that much about him, yet I continue to have sex with him like it's nothing, I never even thought to ask him to use protection. I never even asked if he was clean. I should know better, but I'm not using my brain. There is also a chance that I could be pregnant. As much as I try to put it out of my mind, it's stressing me out. Maybe I've gone too far. Maybe I've lost control.
During the past few weeks, I have told my mother off numerous times. It felt great afterward. I had no regrets about it, either. Lately I have just been saying exactly what's on my mind. No more holding it in, and no more hiding my feelings. When someone is interrupting my TV show, I tell them to shut the fuck up. When someone is making fun of me, I tell them to get the fuck over themselves. I think I may continue this trend for the rest of my life. I love it.
On another rebellious note, I'm getting a tattoo. I haven't gotten it yet, as I am still tweaking the design a little. I am getting a tattoo of a phoenix on my upper back, with the Latin phrase "Luctor et emergo" underneath, which means "I struggle and emerge." I think it is quite fitting and meaningful to me personally. I want to overcome everything. This will remind me of that goal.
Then, there are rebellious acts which I am, somewhat, ashamed of. I have been having unprotected sex with a guy (and yes, he has a girlfriend). I have fallen in love with him, but I doubt the feeling is mutual. I don't even know that much about him, yet I continue to have sex with him like it's nothing, I never even thought to ask him to use protection. I never even asked if he was clean. I should know better, but I'm not using my brain. There is also a chance that I could be pregnant. As much as I try to put it out of my mind, it's stressing me out. Maybe I've gone too far. Maybe I've lost control.
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