Revealing Myself

"I don't live a perfect life
But God knows I'm trying the best I can
And I've been wasting so much time
Pretending I'm not lying about who I am" -Decyfer Down

 I am very much an introverted person. I don't go out of my way to make conversation with people, especially people I don't know. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I can count my close friends on one hand. Even my close friends don't know everything about me. I'm not the type of person to easily open up to anyone.

There are only three people in my life that know about what happened in my past: my aunt, my former friend, and my ex boss. The first person I told was my former friend, and it wasn't intentional at all. It was in May 2008, less than a month after I had attempted suicide. I was still very on edge (mentally). The both of us were working one day, and we were having a discussion about hugging - particularly why I never hugged a certain member of my family. My friend just kept asking me why I didn't hug this person, and I just kept responding "I just don't." She kept pushing it and asking me, so I just blurted out "because they molested me!" We were both silent. I never wanted it to come out that way, but my mouth opened before my brain could really think it over. I felt like the world was lifted off of my shoulders. I did feel better, but looking back, I regret revealing it to her. I feel that she used me. Correction: I know that she used me.

From then on, I've been extremely cautious about revealing my past to others. My three closest friends don't even know. They are the kind of friends you can talk to about the grossest things and not even get embarrassed. Yet, I haven't told them about what happened to me. I'm scared it will change the way they think of me. I'm scared they will use me like other people have before. I'm scared they will think it was my fault. So in a way, I continue to show them a part of me that really isn't true - it isn't the complete me. I don't really think anyone can understand me- why I think and act the way I do- without really knowing what I've been through.

Maybe one day I will find the strength to be honest with myself and with others. For now, I will continue on pretending I'm not lying.