The Reason Behind The Title

The Damaged Genius. Creative title? Not at all. It's really just a literal title I came up with during last night's bout with insomnia. Yes, I am damaged. Yes, I am a genius. History shows that the two situations go hand-in-hand in a lot of cases. In my case, I don't believe they're directly related in anyway. I think God just stuck me with the shitty end of the stick...twice.

Some people would think it self-centered that I refer to myself as a genius. In actuality, I don't refer to myself as a genius or even as intelligent.  I dumb myself down to fit in with those around me.  I learned from an early age that being intelligent only isolates you from the rest of the world.  I'm lonely as it is, I don't need intelligence ostracizing me even more. I can count on one hand the people that know my true intelligence.

I had a semi-revealing conversation with a friend last night, in which she asked me "So...you're like a genius?" I couldn't come up with a one word answer. The answer isn't yes, and it isn't no. I believe if my life had taken a different path, I probably could have been one of those people that change the world in some way. I, however, made a conscious decision that I would try to be normal. All I've ever wanted in life is to be normal, and being intelligent was not going to get me there.

So that covers the genius part of my title; now to explain the damaged. I was/am a victim of sexual abuse. I use both tenses because although I am no longer physically abused, the emotional part still affects me, and is a (much unwanted) part of my everyday life. I was sexually abused by a family member until the age of 13. I'm not really sure why it stopped or why it even happened in the first place. I spent years trying to find reasons and couldn't come up with anything aside from blaming myself. That is the main reason why I don't refer to myself as a survivor. I have yet to overcome the abuse; it still consumes me. I still fear that one day I will not be able to cope with my feelings and I will give up. Every day always has been, and always will be, a struggle.