Sickness of the Physical Variety

So I haven't updated in a week.  To be honest, I've had no energy. I don't know how I made it through work this past week.

It's hard for me to realize when I'm sick. I'm not talking sick like having a cold sick, I'm talking about hospital-level sickness. This past January, I spent a week in the hospital. I had pneumonia. I had been feeling under the weather for several weeks before, but I just assumed it was allergies or my asthma. I woke up one Sunday morning and could barely get out of bed. I managed to drag myself to work, but I wound up leaving after two hours. I had taken my inhaler several times, inhaled steam, and even tried vapor rub because I couldn't take two steps without gasping for air. Nothing was working. I went home and stayed in bed all day so nobody would know I couldn't breathe.

The next morning, I woke up and tried to take a shower. Before I even got in the shower, I started coughing and couldn't stop. I was choking on nothing and after a minute I just threw up mucous all over the bathroom. I didn't know my lungs could hold that much fluid. I ended up in the emergency room later that afternoon.  While waiting for an X-ray technician, I got dizzy and passed out. Doctors and nurses rushed in and made me lay down, gave me an oxygen mask, three IVs, and a heart monitor, as well as some pretty painful shots of epinephrine and steroid right in my arm.  I just wanted to go home, but my oxygen levels were so low that I had to be admitted.

Did I mention I hate hospitals? I hated the fact that I couldn't take a shower for a week. Those warm wipes they give you are just not enough.  I hated the fact that I had to wear a heavy ass heart monitor around my neck. I hated that I was surrounded by old people for a week. I hated having to drag the IV pole with me every time I had to take a piss.  I hated getting shots in my stomach at 3 AM. Worst of all, the nurse had undressed me in front of my family.  I was afraid to say anything. I tried not to think about things, but I couldn't help it. I started to have a panic attack, and the head nurse eventually gave me something to calm down (after waiting a half an hour for approval).   I wanted to die.

So, needless to say, I don't want to end up in the hospital again. I don't have insurance, so any time I go to see my doctor it costs me $100. I can't even afford my medication right now, let alone a doctor's visit. I'd hate to scrape up the money to go to the doctor and have him tell me it's just a cold.  I can't tell when I'm really sick until I'm deathly sick. Other people around me seem to know I'm sick before I do. Yesterday, I was walking out of the bathroom at work, and the manager had told me to sit down, that I looked like I was about to pass out. Sure, I felt dizzy, but my dumb ass told her "I can't, they need me to work" and stumbled my way back up to the front, holding on to the wall so I wouldn't fall over. I always put everything and everyone before I myself.  If I would have passed out, I would have gotten up and went right back to work. I've done it before.