So I spent most of tonight in the bathroom crying and throwing up. I've been feeling good lately and the speed bump today will probably fuck that up for me for quite a while.

If I didn't mention it previously, I've been on vacation from work this week. It's nice. I haven't had vacation in over a year, and I worked so hard the last two months that I needed the relaxation time. I decided to pamper myself this past week with some shopping, a hair cut and color, and getting my nails done (which I haven't done in years). I was feeling so good about myself...until tonight.

I came to the kitchen to get a drink and noticed my mother doing her nails...the same way I got them done. Before you assume I am crazy, my mother has never gotten her nails done or even painted them for as long as I can remember. She was also about to color her hair.  I have no doubt that she was doing it on purpose. I immediately had to go to the bathroom. I started crying so much, I couldn't breathe. I was throwing up. I had a million things running through my head. Flashbacks of things in the past were starting to come back to my conscious. At that moment, I wanted to put my head through a wall. To make things worse, no one can really understand the emotions and feelings that overtake me, because no one I know has been through what I have.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Quite a few times, my mother has taken my clothes and will start wearing them for no reason.  I never take them back. It sickens me when I see her in them. It makes me want to burn all of my clothes. It makes me want to burn everything.

No one understands how badly I try to differentiate myself from my mother.  As I learned in my brief stint in group therapy, one of the hardest things to do is find my own identity separate from my mother. When I look in the mirror, I see my mother. It disgusts me. It's part of the reason I physically destroy myself. I try to destroy the parts that remind me of her. To see her in my clothes, and doing her nails and hair the exact same way I do, brings back those thoughts that I am her, and she is me. I don't want to be anything like her.  My immediate response is to destroy it. I want to rip my nails out. I want to rip my hair out. I want someone to tell me I'm not her.