Anger

I'm not really sure what to title this post, so I just put what I feel - anger.

I've been on vacation from work this week. I really didn't want to, but apparently had no choice. None of my closest friends have text me, even once, to say hello or see how I'm doing. That makes me sad. I know why they haven't text me - I left on a bad note and probably pissed them off.

I've mentioned in the past how the mere mention of me looking like my mother, or anything similar to that sends me into a mental tailspin. Well, I get the same way when people say that my mother loves me, or anything else to that effect. I get angry. I want to cry. All I can think about is all the things that she's done to me. That's not love. I want to scream at these people, but I can't. All I get are disgusted looks when I say, very simply, that she doesn't. I kindly ask people to shut up (in nicer words). They don't understand how it makes me feel.

It just so happened that a similar incident happened this past Friday. I forgot what the conversation was even about, but all I heard from my good friend's mouth was, "You know, I'm sure your mother loves you." I felt all of the blood drain from my face. I didn't need a mirror to know that my facial expression completely changed. I tried to turn my head the other way to hide my face, but it didn't work. I kept quiet because I didn't want to come off as rude, but it was obvious to her, after a few minutes, that I was very angry and upset at something. I just don't think it dawned on her what exactly it was.  Later on when she asked why I was angry, I said it was because of her. When she asked why, all I said was "Nothing, never mind." I left it at that. I'm sure she was angry with me, but what was I supposed to say? How do you even begin to explain to people why I feel the way I feel? They know I have issues with my mother, but they don't know why. I never went into detail, because I'm afraid of what they will think of me if they knew the truth, and I don't want to lose the only good people I have left in my life.

So I guess that's why she hasn't talked to me since. In a way I understand, because she doesn't understand my feelings and never will. I just wish people could accept my feelings the way they are without needing to know why. Another friend told me that I can't get upset every time someone says something like that, that eventually I'm just going to have to deal with it and get over it. I'm sorry. I can't get over it. I don't think it's something you can get over. Deal with it, sure, I know that can be done. It takes a long time though, with a lot of love and support along the way - and I just don't have that in place to even go down that road. I am not minimizing the pain of other victims of molestation, but I think it's thrice as hard when your molester is someone in your own family instead of a stranger. You don't have to see that stranger every day. No one ever mentions that stranger. But a mother? You can't escape that. It's something you have to see, hear, and deal with every day. Even if you move half way around the world, eventually someone is going to ask about your mother, your father, your family. It's inevitable. It's inescapable. It's my reality.