I think I understand now why they say it's not a good idea to date your coworkers.
I've continued my relationship with the SBMWSRN. To my surprise, we've successfully kept the relationship a secret from everyone. It's been difficult to say the least. I have to see him almost every day and pretend that we're just acquaintances. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I have a feeling that, no matter what happens, it's not going to end well.
There a lot of nights (this one included) that I stay up and ask myself what the hell I'm doing. At first, I thought I'd be okay with the whole setup of this situation. He has a girlfriend...a girlfriend that is serious enough that they live together. So from the beginning I should have known that I was never going to be his girlfriend. I did know that. I just never expected to develop such strong feelings for him. The more time I spend with him, the stronger the feelings get, and the more I fall in love with him.
I'm at a point now where I feel like if I continue the relationship, it's going to break my heart. So, I'll end it. But wait...I can't just end it. I work with him. I have to see him everyday. I'm not going to be able to handle my feelings for him, if I stay with him or not. I can't erase him fro, my life completely. If I could, then this wouldn't even be an issue.
I applied for several jobs today. I told people it was because my hours were cut at work (which they were, but money is not really an issue enough for that to mater). The truth is that I really need to escape this situation. I don't want us to get caught and get both of us in serious trouble. I don't want to have to think about him every day. I don't want to get hurt. I don't really know any other way to handle it.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
No Title Necessary
I'm just lost.
I can't even blog about it because everything is so jumbled in my head. I want to erase the last 9 months of my life and start over.
I can't even blog about it because everything is so jumbled in my head. I want to erase the last 9 months of my life and start over.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
So I spent most of tonight in the bathroom crying and throwing up. I've been feeling good lately and the speed bump today will probably fuck that up for me for quite a while.
If I didn't mention it previously, I've been on vacation from work this week. It's nice. I haven't had vacation in over a year, and I worked so hard the last two months that I needed the relaxation time. I decided to pamper myself this past week with some shopping, a hair cut and color, and getting my nails done (which I haven't done in years). I was feeling so good about myself...until tonight.
I came to the kitchen to get a drink and noticed my mother doing her nails...the same way I got them done. Before you assume I am crazy, my mother has never gotten her nails done or even painted them for as long as I can remember. She was also about to color her hair. I have no doubt that she was doing it on purpose. I immediately had to go to the bathroom. I started crying so much, I couldn't breathe. I was throwing up. I had a million things running through my head. Flashbacks of things in the past were starting to come back to my conscious. At that moment, I wanted to put my head through a wall. To make things worse, no one can really understand the emotions and feelings that overtake me, because no one I know has been through what I have.
This isn't the first time this has happened. Quite a few times, my mother has taken my clothes and will start wearing them for no reason. I never take them back. It sickens me when I see her in them. It makes me want to burn all of my clothes. It makes me want to burn everything.
No one understands how badly I try to differentiate myself from my mother. As I learned in my brief stint in group therapy, one of the hardest things to do is find my own identity separate from my mother. When I look in the mirror, I see my mother. It disgusts me. It's part of the reason I physically destroy myself. I try to destroy the parts that remind me of her. To see her in my clothes, and doing her nails and hair the exact same way I do, brings back those thoughts that I am her, and she is me. I don't want to be anything like her. My immediate response is to destroy it. I want to rip my nails out. I want to rip my hair out. I want someone to tell me I'm not her.
If I didn't mention it previously, I've been on vacation from work this week. It's nice. I haven't had vacation in over a year, and I worked so hard the last two months that I needed the relaxation time. I decided to pamper myself this past week with some shopping, a hair cut and color, and getting my nails done (which I haven't done in years). I was feeling so good about myself...until tonight.
I came to the kitchen to get a drink and noticed my mother doing her nails...the same way I got them done. Before you assume I am crazy, my mother has never gotten her nails done or even painted them for as long as I can remember. She was also about to color her hair. I have no doubt that she was doing it on purpose. I immediately had to go to the bathroom. I started crying so much, I couldn't breathe. I was throwing up. I had a million things running through my head. Flashbacks of things in the past were starting to come back to my conscious. At that moment, I wanted to put my head through a wall. To make things worse, no one can really understand the emotions and feelings that overtake me, because no one I know has been through what I have.
This isn't the first time this has happened. Quite a few times, my mother has taken my clothes and will start wearing them for no reason. I never take them back. It sickens me when I see her in them. It makes me want to burn all of my clothes. It makes me want to burn everything.
No one understands how badly I try to differentiate myself from my mother. As I learned in my brief stint in group therapy, one of the hardest things to do is find my own identity separate from my mother. When I look in the mirror, I see my mother. It disgusts me. It's part of the reason I physically destroy myself. I try to destroy the parts that remind me of her. To see her in my clothes, and doing her nails and hair the exact same way I do, brings back those thoughts that I am her, and she is me. I don't want to be anything like her. My immediate response is to destroy it. I want to rip my nails out. I want to rip my hair out. I want someone to tell me I'm not her.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Late Blooming Rebellion
You know how they say teenagers have a rebellious stage? I think I'm going through mine now, at the age of 24.
During the past few weeks, I have told my mother off numerous times. It felt great afterward. I had no regrets about it, either. Lately I have just been saying exactly what's on my mind. No more holding it in, and no more hiding my feelings. When someone is interrupting my TV show, I tell them to shut the fuck up. When someone is making fun of me, I tell them to get the fuck over themselves. I think I may continue this trend for the rest of my life. I love it.
On another rebellious note, I'm getting a tattoo. I haven't gotten it yet, as I am still tweaking the design a little. I am getting a tattoo of a phoenix on my upper back, with the Latin phrase "Luctor et emergo" underneath, which means "I struggle and emerge." I think it is quite fitting and meaningful to me personally. I want to overcome everything. This will remind me of that goal.
Then, there are rebellious acts which I am, somewhat, ashamed of. I have been having unprotected sex with a guy (and yes, he has a girlfriend). I have fallen in love with him, but I doubt the feeling is mutual. I don't even know that much about him, yet I continue to have sex with him like it's nothing, I never even thought to ask him to use protection. I never even asked if he was clean. I should know better, but I'm not using my brain. There is also a chance that I could be pregnant. As much as I try to put it out of my mind, it's stressing me out. Maybe I've gone too far. Maybe I've lost control.
During the past few weeks, I have told my mother off numerous times. It felt great afterward. I had no regrets about it, either. Lately I have just been saying exactly what's on my mind. No more holding it in, and no more hiding my feelings. When someone is interrupting my TV show, I tell them to shut the fuck up. When someone is making fun of me, I tell them to get the fuck over themselves. I think I may continue this trend for the rest of my life. I love it.
On another rebellious note, I'm getting a tattoo. I haven't gotten it yet, as I am still tweaking the design a little. I am getting a tattoo of a phoenix on my upper back, with the Latin phrase "Luctor et emergo" underneath, which means "I struggle and emerge." I think it is quite fitting and meaningful to me personally. I want to overcome everything. This will remind me of that goal.
Then, there are rebellious acts which I am, somewhat, ashamed of. I have been having unprotected sex with a guy (and yes, he has a girlfriend). I have fallen in love with him, but I doubt the feeling is mutual. I don't even know that much about him, yet I continue to have sex with him like it's nothing, I never even thought to ask him to use protection. I never even asked if he was clean. I should know better, but I'm not using my brain. There is also a chance that I could be pregnant. As much as I try to put it out of my mind, it's stressing me out. Maybe I've gone too far. Maybe I've lost control.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Edumacation
The other day, a very good friend of mine asked me what I was going to do with my life. I just looked at him, and said "I'll work here forever." He's been getting on me for years about going back to school. For those of you who don't know, I dropped out of college in my sophomore year. I had a 4.0 GPA and was ranked 2nd in the entire college. I won awards. People knew who I was. So why did I drop out? I hated it there. I never wanted to go to that school in the first place. In high school, I got accepted to every college and university I applied to. I received over a half million dollars in scholarships. I got accepted to Princeton. I could have gone anywhere I wanted to. Instead I was told by my family that I could not go away for school, which left Saint Peter's College as my only choice. I was miserable there from the start. I always had a perfect GPA, but I never worked for it. I was put it in a writing class with juniors who had repeatedly failed the class, in hopes that I could somehow teach them what the professors had been trying to teach them all along. I wanted to go to school to learn, not to have to teach others or to be held back from moving ahead because no one else could understand ANYTHING. After a year and a half, I finally gave up and left.
I never really explained my real reasons for leaving to anyone until recently. I didn't want people to think that I think I am better than anyone, because I don't think that at all. It was just extremely frustrating for me on many levels. I lost a lot of my faith in people during college. I realized that very few people were on my level, and I certainly couldn't find any there. Now, since I am 24, going to the Ivy League schools that I once dreamed of are out of the question. I don't want to be stuck in the same situation I was in before. That's why I haven't gone back.
But anyway, I don't think my friend is going to leave me alone until I go back to school. He insists that I am the most intelligent person at my job, even though I act like I am not. When I told him he was smart, too, he said "Sure I am, but I have to work my ass off for it. You don't even have to try. It's natural for you." In my heart, I know that he's right. I just don't want to accept it. My family has told me so many times that I need to stop thinking so highly of myself, that I'm just as dumb as everyone else. I guess I started to believe it.
I never really explained my real reasons for leaving to anyone until recently. I didn't want people to think that I think I am better than anyone, because I don't think that at all. It was just extremely frustrating for me on many levels. I lost a lot of my faith in people during college. I realized that very few people were on my level, and I certainly couldn't find any there. Now, since I am 24, going to the Ivy League schools that I once dreamed of are out of the question. I don't want to be stuck in the same situation I was in before. That's why I haven't gone back.
But anyway, I don't think my friend is going to leave me alone until I go back to school. He insists that I am the most intelligent person at my job, even though I act like I am not. When I told him he was smart, too, he said "Sure I am, but I have to work my ass off for it. You don't even have to try. It's natural for you." In my heart, I know that he's right. I just don't want to accept it. My family has told me so many times that I need to stop thinking so highly of myself, that I'm just as dumb as everyone else. I guess I started to believe it.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
My Father
So, I guess I was lucky in the way that my parents never divorced and my father was always physically present, which is more than many others can say about their fathers. Then when I think about it, being physically present doesn't mean squat if the person is emotionally absent, as my father is and has been throughout my life.
When I was younger, my father worked a lot. Every holiday, he worked. After school and at night time, he worked. I never spent time with him, even as I got older. He never gave me hugs or kisses or showed any affection towards me. The only time he said anything to me was when he was yelling at me or making asinine comments about me or something I did. He was always an angry person, for as long as I can remember. If he said something incorrect and I would correct him, he called me stupid and told me I didn't know anything. When I was 14, I tried out for Varsity soccer. My father told me I was too fat and couldn't play for my life. I stopped going to practice. When I saw the coach at school, he asked me why I stopped coming to practice. I had made the team. In high school, when the guidance counselors called my parents and told them I was depressed, my father sat me in the corner and slapped me across the face, telling me he'd give me something to be depressed about. A few months ago, when I got a third job as a salesperson, my father told me I couldn't sell anything, and that I'd fail. I never went back.
So yes, sometimes I wish my father would have just left. In a way, I sympathize with him because he has had to deal with my mother this whole time, and that it the cause of most of his misery. My mother is even more physically and verbally violent than he is. I guess he just takes out his anger from her on other people, which most of the time is me. That is where my sympathy ends. He could have taken his anger out on someone else. He could have left my mother. Why didn't he protect me from my mother? He had to know what was happening, yet he didn't say anything. He just added on to the pain, and left me with no family to turn to. As horrible as it sounds, I do hate him. I just don't hate him as much as I hate my mother.
When I was younger, my father worked a lot. Every holiday, he worked. After school and at night time, he worked. I never spent time with him, even as I got older. He never gave me hugs or kisses or showed any affection towards me. The only time he said anything to me was when he was yelling at me or making asinine comments about me or something I did. He was always an angry person, for as long as I can remember. If he said something incorrect and I would correct him, he called me stupid and told me I didn't know anything. When I was 14, I tried out for Varsity soccer. My father told me I was too fat and couldn't play for my life. I stopped going to practice. When I saw the coach at school, he asked me why I stopped coming to practice. I had made the team. In high school, when the guidance counselors called my parents and told them I was depressed, my father sat me in the corner and slapped me across the face, telling me he'd give me something to be depressed about. A few months ago, when I got a third job as a salesperson, my father told me I couldn't sell anything, and that I'd fail. I never went back.
So yes, sometimes I wish my father would have just left. In a way, I sympathize with him because he has had to deal with my mother this whole time, and that it the cause of most of his misery. My mother is even more physically and verbally violent than he is. I guess he just takes out his anger from her on other people, which most of the time is me. That is where my sympathy ends. He could have taken his anger out on someone else. He could have left my mother. Why didn't he protect me from my mother? He had to know what was happening, yet he didn't say anything. He just added on to the pain, and left me with no family to turn to. As horrible as it sounds, I do hate him. I just don't hate him as much as I hate my mother.
Friday, July 9, 2010
From Zero to...Two Many?
Over a month ago, I was single and not even expecting to be with someone anytime soon. Then, I fell in love with SBMWSRN (Sexy Black Man Who Shall Remain Nameless). It's been a complicated situation because he has a girlfriend. I struggled for a little bit over whether I should continue the relationship, and decided WHY THE HELL NOT? I've been living as a quiet, safe, well behaving girl this whole time. I need a change.
I recently started talking to my ex again. I guess we made up, though never of us really apologized for what happened, it seemed like we were able to just pick up exactly where we left off, like nothing ever happened. I would have never thought I would talk to him again or even be able to forgive him, but I guess I have. I'm not sure why, but it seems I have a different attitude about a lot of things lately, especially relationships. So, now I'm seeing him again. And yes, I am also still seeing SBMWSRN. Neither of them know about the other. I'm not really sure what to do, or who to pick. I'm going to wait it out and see what happens. It's strange that SBMWSRN is seeing me behind his girlfriend's back, and I'm seeing my ex behind SBMWSRN's back, and ex is seeing me behind his girlfriend's back. Yes, I am the 'other woman' in both situations. A giant clusterfuck of lying...this has become my social life.
Oddly enough, I actually feel comfortable being the other woman instead of the girlfriend. I've been so fearful of relationships my whole life because I've never had a real, positive relationship with anyone (even familial).
The good thing about this is that I can stop it whenever I want. In reality, I'm in control of the situation. I decide what I do and don't do. I kind of like it that way.
I recently started talking to my ex again. I guess we made up, though never of us really apologized for what happened, it seemed like we were able to just pick up exactly where we left off, like nothing ever happened. I would have never thought I would talk to him again or even be able to forgive him, but I guess I have. I'm not sure why, but it seems I have a different attitude about a lot of things lately, especially relationships. So, now I'm seeing him again. And yes, I am also still seeing SBMWSRN. Neither of them know about the other. I'm not really sure what to do, or who to pick. I'm going to wait it out and see what happens. It's strange that SBMWSRN is seeing me behind his girlfriend's back, and I'm seeing my ex behind SBMWSRN's back, and ex is seeing me behind his girlfriend's back. Yes, I am the 'other woman' in both situations. A giant clusterfuck of lying...this has become my social life.
Oddly enough, I actually feel comfortable being the other woman instead of the girlfriend. I've been so fearful of relationships my whole life because I've never had a real, positive relationship with anyone (even familial).
The good thing about this is that I can stop it whenever I want. In reality, I'm in control of the situation. I decide what I do and don't do. I kind of like it that way.
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